Filed under: hooker
i am a naturalist. trees are my friends, animals are my consort (i’d like to think so anyway), and i feel divinely inspired to always be preserving, saving, loving, helping everything. so i set goals to help myself do that. i want to become a farmer someday. i want to love nature through the rolling folds of a cabbage field. i want to dig my hands into the soil and cultivate it, lead the seeds like little children into becoming flowered purple heads. and then i want to eat the fruit that the ground has given me and live off of it. i want to give to nature, give it my sweat and toil and care, and then eat its fruit like a “thank you.” i want to be a fisherman. i want to stand on a boat rocking in a black midnight sea and get drenched in a 20 foot swell washing over the side of the boat. i want to pluck fish from the waters the same way a farmer plucks a cabbage head from the dirt, nod to the mighty ocean (“thank you”) and bite into my food. i want to throw my leftovers to the seagulls who followed my boat from shore. i want to come home to a tiny little house in the woods. a house made from the bark of the forest. i want to kiss my wife and feel her pregnant stomach. and i want to never worry. never ever ever ever ever worry, because the God i saw in the fields, in the sprouting heads of cabbage, in the roaring ocean winds, in the goggled eyes of a fish is taking care of me. and i will say “thank you” to him every night, wether i be sick, poor, destitute, homeless or ravaged. i will be full of joy and peace knowing i am living under his Eye, and that his Eye is always on my balding head.
so why worry about the future? why be dead set on accomplishing these goals? i want to be more patient with time. i want to let the world revolve towards me, instead of chasing after the horizon which never comes any closer. i sit bent in a pew of a dark and empty church, and i hear His voice saying, “patience. patience. do not worry.” and so i will not worry, and i will not hurry. there is so much to learn yet, before i can be the farmer or the fisherman.
Someday, i will grow a magnificent beard. but not today. SOON.
-chris
Filed under: Uncategorized
the line between what i want and what will really ever happen is so blurry and nondescript. i dont know what is settling and what is just being mature. im not completely unsatisfied with the place in my life that im at, im just impatient for a few things. candles and less visiting rules for starters. i dont want specific hours set aside that i am allowed to see my friends.
i was thinking last night about how confusing the choice is about what yuo are going to do with your life, and i dont even mean the specifics of an occupation, just this: one would think that they are more free owning their own business, setting their own hours, making whatever choices they want; but i have to ask… if i own my own business how am i to just get up and move when i get sick of a place or want to be somewhere else? no one really wants a boss who tells you what to do and seemingly controls your time, but doesnt that have a limit. when you go home you are your own, you can give two weeks notice and be gone. the flip side is that when you are all your own, it is so much easier to give yourself away, like this if i work for a book editor and my friend needs help moving, or doing any number of random things, or i just know someone who’s having a bad day, good luck getting the day off, but if i own a bookstore, all i have to do is lock up and hang a closed sign. i really dont know which is better. it seems that owning a house and running your own business ties you down so much, but im not sure how well i would cope with my time and house not being my own either. most landlords dont let you paint the walls, and i would go nuts if they were the same color all the time. i think if i live there i should get to make my environment like i want it.
last night i watched a sappy wedding show and i was wanting so badly to be to that point. mrs’ jill was saying on sunday how in limbo you feel when youre engaged, but i really dont feel any different than i would then. at least if you are engaged the path is set. but married would be nice. this one couple on there dated for 2 weeks before he proposed and then were engaged for seven years. i think i would shoot myself. how hard can it be to get married. of course most of the time when a couple isnt in much of a hurry they probably dont have anything to wait for. anyways, i got out a sketch pad and made mroe plans like a loser. where in the yard will put the chairs and what kind we’ll use. (i had this brilliant plan, since i only want like thirty people, we can gather real living room chairs for everyone all mismatched and so forth, and put them in rows) and how i love the look of hanging laundry to put a clothes line with white sheers as the back drop even though that means that all the candles have to go along the sides and only twinkle lights up front. all of this pointless stuff that makes the real meaning of the day seem cheapened a little when you plot it all out, but you sometimes get so anxious you cant resist. and you are just so sure that if you dont write down ytour ideas today you will forget them tomorrow and nothing will be spectacular after all.
life is so complcated all the while trying to make fantasies become reality and no one ever gives you a guide book. maybe it’s all in the bible and i just dont look hard enough. i have real questions about what God has a specific method for and what he leaves up to us as a sort of adventure. i think he gives us visions of what we want for a reason, he doesnt put desires in us he doenst mean to fulfill, but what will that really look like, and how long does it take to get there? i dont know. are we meant to say “its all in Gods hands theres nothing to worry about” or are we supposed to go out and work hard to not compromise our vision? every new idea i have is more questions than answers, and maybe its suposed to be that way, i think questions are a lot more powerful in some ways, but but a lot like getting a ferrari when you just need the traffic to stop so you can cross the street.
-josephine
Filed under: Uncategorized
what would it be like to live life exactly like i’ve always wanted, or at least bits and pieces of things i always wanted rolled up into what i want now? i dont want to be isolated. i want to live with all of my friends smack dab in the middle of the flow of ideas. i want to have a simple job at a local place. maybe a mocktail bar where my friends can play their music, and i can pray. right now it all seems so hard…so far away…like just because everything has failed before this must and will too. i want to say something with my life so that hurting people who see me can hear what once rescued me. i dont know, maybe im crazy.
josephine
