say something

i finally figured out what’s missing here. i’ve been dancing around it for weeks, hungering for something i could only vaguely define, and this morning the little thing just popped it’s head up and mockingly said “duh.”

i come from a home school family, where my mom work at home, and my dad is also self employed and travels, so we spend a lot of time sitting around in our pajamas just wasting time together. i always think it’s so dumb that we watch all of these dumb TV shows that none of us really like because that’s what’s on, and my boyfriend makes fun of how many movies we watch, but i’m starting to realize that there is a kind of family achieved only in those comfortable relaxed still moments.

i’ve been growing increasingly frustrated at not being able to hang out with my friends in my room, how we have to go find a place and a million other obnoxious people are there, and we have to have something planned. i’ve told everyone how ready i am to have a couch in my place of living and an eating space that’s not across the street.

so this weekend i went home with my boyfriend rj for his sister’s wedding, and i was just adopted. i ame from this weekend feeling if the whole world was like that, it would be a better place. it was like home, we sat around and talked, or didn’t. the guys all played video games. we had meals together without everyone walking in and out all of the time, and passing the food down the table. it was such a luxury. i felt like i was being spoiled.

so this morning i woke up and realized–THAT’S WHAT’S MISSING!!–we have no comfortable community of bonding because our homes and lives are superficially constructed. we need a common life again. it’s funny because i’ve been saying that that is the best way to live all along and i just suddenly ealized why, and what it meant. you don’t have to do things with people to live life with them. if you are always doing something, there is a level of relationship you miss out on. maybe that’s what we find at st john’s in a small way.