say something

sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night shaking and scared and suddenly everything i’ve been pushing down pops back up like a beach ball in the pool and threatens to choke me. i feel so terrible alone, but i dont want any one to touch me and i dont know what i could say to them. im scared that ill go crazy. im scared that ill die. is it weird that id rather write this on here for total strangers than on myspace where all of my friends will get an update and go read it. what do i do the next day when i am calmer again and they are looking at me or worse saying something about it? what if i am crazy an everyone finds out? i know that more likely no one reads this page at all. but id hope that someone does. not because this is in any way going to be useful for them to read, but just so that my agony and frustration and the words it takes to get it out arent wasted and like samuel God will keep my words from “falling to the ground.”